I am so excited to be able to paint again. I first fell in love with painting a couple years ago. But I stopped painting at one point. I still loved it, but I was totally stuck. At first it was two paintings that stopped me- one a portrait of my nephew and his horse, the other a simple picture of a woman in a hat with dramatic lighting. Every time I started to work on one of them, I was totally intimidated by thoughts of "What if this isn't good enough? What if it looks like a kindergarten finger painting version of people?" I mean that inner voice of mine got so mean and vicious that it chased me away from the canvas over and over. I got so I couldn't paint ANYTHING. Then I had an accident that tore the rotatory cuff of my shoulder. I could hardly use my hand, let alone paint. I was in agony. And part of me loved having an excuse to use for why I had stopped painting. I couldn't paint. More than a year after I had stopped painting, I was no longer in as much pain. My physical therapist was helping me see how I was progressing by asking me what activities had I been able to start doing again. In the conversation I mentioned I was looking forward to painting again. Woops! That was a slip. Part of me was looking forward to painting, but a part of me was still holding onto the excuse that I could not paint because of my shoulder. My very empathic therapist caught that. With kind encouragement, along with all the hard work and physical training, she got my shoulder back to a point I could paint. And then she took away my excuses. I was so nervous to start painting again. I really looked into myself and chiseled away at the ego to remind myself why I paint- for joy. I dug in to find why I was so afraid of failure. I adopted the mantra, "It is just paint." That reminded me that there was no danger in failing at a painting, and I could always paint over it and start again, so there really was no failure. I now tell myself, "It is impossible to fail. It is just paint. You can paint over it and start again, and again, and again. So it isn't a finished painting until it is successful. Until then, it is just a work in progress. You can't fail." I am back to painting. Each piece may take me a long time, but I learn with each painting and I am feeling more and more confidence. I'm becoming more serious about learning the skills to become a better painter and I'm learning to be less critical of myself. My number one rule for myself and my paintings, "Never compare yourself to others. There will always be someone way better than you. Only compare yourself with yourself so you can see your growth."
I'm using my Little Monster that I created from just a spontaneous scribble to represent my art journey and how I want to move forward with painting. It is all for fun, just play, and it's just paint. OK, happy journey, Kat, you can do this.